Jasper Facts and Fictions

The largest recorded bowel movement occurred during the school year of 2001 in the men's bathroom, located near the basement staircase, at Jasper High School.  Dubbed "XDL-2" by Matt Theil, the mass bore its own slight gravitational pull.  The object's producer is unknown to this day.  Mr. Talbot was the main suspect--God rest his soul.  

Louis Dysinger, holder of the Guinness world record for the "yellowest urine," was stripped of his title when he tested positive for B12 supplements. His trainer, Matt Rives, has claimed responsibility for the presence of the performance-enhancing drug in Dysinger's blood stream, saying that he injected Dysinger with the injections while the world champ slept.  Mr. Dysinger has appealed the decision and awaits his day in court.

Chuck Norris knows no fear.  Zack Hartley knows even less.

Believe it or not, professional lumberjack, Josh Braker, was not voted "Most likely to cut down trees" his senior year.  Today, he can usually be found playing in a Sequoia forest.

James McNary is famous for ALMOST holding in his puke for an entire assembly.  Near the very end of said assembly, he exploded like a South Park character, spewing what appeared to be two scoops of mashed potatoes across the bleachers.

The first known utterance of the name "Betty Humpedher" occurred in Mrs. Sample's freshmen history class in 1997, during the Sweepstakes game.  Matt Rives, who had been pestering the teacher the entire game, answered the following question with the aforementioned name: "Who was the first female Prime Minister of Israel?"  He was promptly kicked out of class.

Be on the lookout for Mr. Jones's "left-handed brooms" on your local infomercials.  These handy items aren't sold in stores, unlike Theil's Emergency Stain Remover.  You never know when a glaringly obvious stain will come into your life.  With Theil's Emergency Stain Remover, you never have to worry about stains again!

Travis Grotheer holds the dodgeball record for being thrown at the most times after already being out and sitting in the bleachers.  He also holds the record for most attempted half-court shots in a junior high basketball game with 34 (on a serious note: I truly hope Travis has been able to find some happiness in this life).