Matt Rives (aka Ben Chastain)

Here's a classic Greg Jackson story told to me by Matt Rives:

One random Tuesday a few years ago, Mr. Rives received a phone call from an unknown woman.

"Ben?" said the woman after Matt's greeting.

"Ben?  No, I think you have the wrong number."

"Well, this is the number you gave me last Saturday night, Ben."

"My name is Matt Rives and I didn't go out Saturday night. Are you sure you have the right number?"

"Yeah, I'm positive.  You put it in my phone yourself. We met at J-Town North. You said your name was Ben Chastain. We were having a great time dancing and flirting. Don't you remember biting my ear and saying that people call you 'the nibbler?'"

"Ok. Hold up. What do I look like?"

"You were wearing a cowboy hat and you're kind of a bigger guy and you've got a tongue ring. You told me that I'd be amazed at what you could do with your ring."

"Who was I hanging out with? Was there a loud-mouthed red head?"

"Yes! It was just the two of you."

"I'm sorry miss, but you got a joke played on you. Those two are friends of mine. The guy hitting on you's name is Greg. I can give you his number, if you'd like."

"No thanks . . . click" 

(Note from the blogger: since the publication of this anecdote, there has been a claim that the guilty party is, in fact, Matt Theil, NOT Greg Jackson. Either way, it's a funny story.)

Starry Starry Nights in Jasper

It's amazing how many things you don't notice about a person or place until you step away from them. The main example of this phenomenon concerning Jasper, for me anyway, is how much of the universe you can witness most nights. In Kansas City, as well as most large cities I'm sure, there isn't such a thing as a true nighttime. Strobe lights, street lights, headlights, lights illuminating billboards, neon signs, construction site lights, thousands of stadium lights allowing the boys in blue to play, flashing police car lights, lights from the Power and Light district reflected off the Sprint Center, airport runway lights spread out like flat Christmas trees, and bridge lights casting their blue hue on the steel giants amalgamate to cast a pinkish hue across the city sky, which allows only the brightest stars to be seen. After being in the city for a couple of months, I made my first return trip to J-Town. The sun had set somewhere around Butler. The tunes were blaring and I was bubbling with anticipation: I was going home! I couldn't wait to tell my friends all about how different it was in the city.  The left turn onto Thorn Road brought me to a fever pitch. I was about to burst out of my seat as I pulled into my dad's driveway and heard the familiar crackle of the gravel under my tires. As I performed the inevitable stretching after a long drive, I looked upward and felt all the anticipation, all the energy, all the racing thoughts flow out of me like a shot of hot cocoa on a cold winter night, snaking its warmth throughout me on its trip to my stomach. I saw stars. Thousands of stars, no MILLIONS of stars filled the night sky. I'm not a religious person, but I felt a piece of the divine, standing there gazing in wonder at God's cosmic game of marbles. I wondered how I could have possibly missed THIS in all my 21 years of living in Jasper. I then noticed something else, or lack of something else to be more specific: there wasn't any sound! That's not totally accurate. Of course, there was the ubiquitous cacophony of insect song, but I hardly noticed it. A mere murmur. What I noticed was the lack of any other sounds. Living in the city, you're bombarded with noise, which slackens at night, but never ceases. It felt like I was in a vacuum, among those myriad stars shining brightly and proud. The wonderful part is that I get to re-experience this sensation every time I return to Jasper. The next time you stop by for a visit, or if you're still living there, head out to the country, turn off your radios and cell phones, and just enjoy the universe which you are a part of. 

Jasper Facts and Fictions

The 2001 Jasper High School baseball team won the state championship. Copies of the championship game may be procured from Matt Theil.

The Cadillac Ranch, a former bar located between Carthage and Jasper, boasts the only know case of a "flex-off." The participants chose to flex their muscles in the parking lot to settle a drunken dispute, instead of their fists. A Canadian was involved.

Jasper is also the home of Matt Evans, whose toy tractor collection is absolutely huge.

Former Jasper resident, Caleb Peterson, is well known for the dent in his chest as well as his family's castle in Ireland. To this day, his toughness has still gone unquestioned.

Guinness World Record holder of being the "Slickiest Slick," Austin Bunn, grew up in Jasper. He's notorious for once asking Matt Rives the following: "Tell Coach Cooper I'm taking a jizz."

Justin Storm's words of wisdom: "If you weren't left-handed, she wouldn't be pregnant" "When it storms, it pours"

Greg Jackson's retort to Mr. Storm's latter quote: "When it storms, it pours. When it pours, it rains. When it rains, it hails. And hail fucking hurts."

Piss Bridge, located southeast of Jasper, is a favorite locale for Jasperians to stop and urinate off the side of the road.

 

You must read this if this is your first time here!

Welcome to the Jasper Facts and Fiction Blog. Here we celebrate all that constitutes Jasper, Missouri: the people, the sights, the stories. Most of what I plan to put on here is inside jokes about the people I grew up with, but I also want you all to share your memories of this small dot on the atlas of the world. You can either comment on one of my posts, or you can email me your story or fact/fiction at sisenmann@hotmail.com, and I'll post it for you. I can only relate stories from the short spurt that I was a part of Jasper. I'm dying to hear the thoughts of those souls who came before me and may know a different Jasper than the one I do. The main bulk of my material is ridiculous in the attempts at humor because, well, that's just how I am. However, these posts don't all have to be funny. I welcome the touching and the beautiful as well. Join me, as I reminisce about the greatest hometown I have ever known.

Your Blogger,

Sage "The Rage" Isenmann